Standing Strong

Ki Teitzei—When You Go (marriage teaching)

 

Deuteronomy 21:10- 25:19

Isaiah 54:1- 10

Matthew 5:27- 30

1 Corinthians 5:1- 5

Isaiah 11:6

2 Thessalonians 2:15

While this week’s Parasha has 74 of the Torah’s 613 commandments as recognized by Maimonides, this week’s Parasha speaks to me about marriage.

 

G-d intends marriage to be a holy joining of a man and a woman, and He has set up many rules around this union to protect its holiness. First it speaks of the holiness of the act of marriage.  When a man is at war, far

from home, he can find his eyes turned by the “beautiful captive” from among the people he is fighting.  Many a man has fallen to the temptations of this situation.  G-d has already foreseen the dangers of this situation and made provision for such.  Rather than take her as his own, the man must first have her shave her head, cut her nails, put her in the clothes of mourning, and let her observe a month of mourning for her father and her mother, & the loss of her homeland.  He was to care for her during this full month of mourning. After then and only then could he take her as a wife.  This was set up to allow her to lose her appeal in the eyes of the man at war. 

 

A man is to be certain of his actions toward his wife, his betrothed.  To discourage entering the betrothal period and then seeking to get out of it by making false accusation against his betrothed,

G-d sets up a punishment.  The elders are to punish him, extra-biblical sources state, by being lashed, fined one hundred shekels of silver and never be allowed to divorce her all of his days.  The sanctity of marriage is further protected by laws against adultery. 

 

If a married woman is found lying with a man, both of them are to be stoned. Only if the betrothed is raped outside of the city does she not deserve the death penalty along with the man who laid with her.  If in a city, it is assumed her cries for help would have been heard.  In either case the man is stoned. To lie with a woman who is not betrothed or married requires the payment of 50 shekels of silver to the father of the woman and she becomes his wife.  He is never allowed to divorce her for all of his days. 

 

This portion goes on to define who is allowed to marry.  A man shall not take his father’s wife or uncover his father’s bed.  Not taking your father’s wife is easy to understand, but what is this about uncovering your father’s bed? 

 

The commandment of the L-rd required a man to marry his brothers’ wife if his brother died without leaving an heir.  The woman was under the protection of the brother-in-law. This was also referred to as “under his bed” as the living brother was to produce an heir lest his brothers’ name no longer continue. Therefore, to uncover the father’s bed referred to a person’s aunt.

 

Trial marriages are not allowed.  If a man divorces his wife and there is a remarriage and another divorce, they are not allowed to remarry.  This appears to be written to prohibit the idea of trial marriages in which people enter in and out of relationships with the ease of those who “live together today to see if it works.”  Trial periods are not part of G-d’s plan.

 

Two tribes appear at first reading to never be allowed to enter the people of Israel by marriage, those tribes being Ammonite and Moabite.  This was due to the lack of hospitality shown to Israel as it left Egypt by these tribes. 

 

How then did Ruth, a Moabite princess, marry into Israel, not once but twice?

 

One explanation is that this prohibition only applied to males because females were not allowed to make the decisions on feeding or watering the people of Israel as they left Egypt. This sounds a little far fetched to me although it has been handed down as part of the oral law of the Talmud for many generations as the common explanation among the Jewish people. 

 

The other explanation is based upon principle.

 

Naomi took Ruth in knowing she was a Moabite.  Boaz married her knowing she was a Moabite.  Ruth should have been rejected as in violation of the law of Moses.  G-d has punished people immediately throughout the Tanakh (Old Testament) for breaking his law, but He does not punish Naomi or Boaz.  Boaz and Ruth have the child Jesse from whom we have David, a man after G-d’s own heart, as a descendent. Why was this allowed?  The Moabites are excluded because of the way they treated the children of Israel on their way out of Egypt - not just because they are Moabites. They are excluded because of an attitude that they and their descendants share. It follows then that a Moabite who doesn't have that attitude is not to be excluded.

“And Naomi said, Behold, thy sister-in-law is gone back unto her people, and unto her G-ds: return thou after thy sister-in-law. And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy G-d my G-d:”

Ruth displayed a completely non-Moabite attitude. She rejected the people and G-ds of Moab, accepting the G-d of Israel. She didn't display the attitude that lead to exclusion, so she was not excluded.

The law that prohibited Moabites from joining the Israelites had a much deeper meaning; it was about excluding those who had a certain attitude, not those who had a certain ancestry. The knowledge of G-d lead to mercy, the mercy that was shown to Ruth and her descendants. By the letter of the law, Ruth, Jesse, David, and Solomon would all have been excluded from the congregation of Israel.

 

Marriage was to be entered into with respect of G-d’s people; it was to be something of which time and thought was taken before making the covenant; it was protected from violation from another man through severe punishments, and was to be enjoyed by mankind.  As stated in Deut. 24:5, when a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business, he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.  

 

Yes, men, it is a man’s job to see to his wife’s happiness.  It is one of the commands of G-d’s laws about marriage.  Just as G-d looks out for our happiness we are to look out for the happiness of our wives.

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