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I was asked the question by a relatively newly married friend, what does it mean to cleave to someone? This question is one that deserves a deeper investigation of the scripture than one might first want to give. There is one key statement about marriage that is repeated four times in the Bible. Not just once. Not even twice. But, four times. It must be of great importance and a blueprint for how to live a married life as G-d would desire.
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (ASV) Matt 19:5 and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? (ASV) Mark 10:7-8 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh: so that they are no more two, but one flesh. (ASV) Eph 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. (ASV) |
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Step three: Become one flesh. One body. The eye can not say it doesn’t need the hand, nor can the foot say it doesn’t need the mouth. While separate when apart the full functioning as intended by G-d only comes into being when these things are joined together. To separate any part of the body is an amputation that leaves the body less than what was intended.
Think about it. Each of the four scriptures states therefore or for this reason. For what reason? Woman was made from the side of man. Man is not complete now that he has had a part of him removed. G-d’s plan is for the union of these parts to recreate one flesh. Woman was made to be the object of man’s love. Man has an inherent desire to love another and that other is the person G-d made for man’s completion, woman. G-d brought woman to man.
To become one flesh it takes effort. Glue is applied and allowed to set. The individual weak pieces of wood become one piece of plywood that is stronger than any part alone. It becomes inseparable without doing permanent damage to each part. It is now “one flesh.” That process requires thinking of the spouse first. To maintain a relationship of one flesh that is healthy takes exercise. In this case time to communicate each and every day, eliminating the thought of my money and your money as all things belong to the one body. What to do with your time is focused on what is good for your spouse. It is a selfless loving forsaking all other items in your life.
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Standing Strong |
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A Messianic Jewish Congregation with an outreach to Believers in Israel |
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Cleaving Do you have a plywood marriage? |
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All of these have a formula for G-d’s plan. And all of these are aimed at the action a man is to take. Why not a woman? Does this apply to a woman also? I will address the gender relative to the command after looking at what the command means in each of its three steps. |
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Giving it all up for the one you love. |
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Step 1 Leave. Specifically leave his father and his mother. Does this mean to abandon his parents or to no longer honor his father and his mother? Mark 7:9-13 give us the answer on this as “obviously not.” It means to leave the position of making them you primary focus in relationships. It means they have been preparing themselves for the day their son must change his focus from them to his wife. It is a time when your spouse’s ideas, opinions, and directives are more important than those of your parents. I believe this is not just a command for your relationship with your parents. It is a command for your relationship will all others excluding G-d. Not just relationships with people but also relationships with objects, and duties. Many the marriage has been lost because of a man putting his job ahead of his wife. |
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Even after married the woman must maintain the position of top priority. Pity the man who lets his children take the place of his first love and the problems that then occur when the empty nest syndrome comes in later years. Leave all relations save that with G-d for eternity so that you have a smooth surface prepared for the cleaving process to take place and be maintained. |
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Step 2 Cleave. The Hebrew word is Daw-bak. It means glue, adhere, stick or join together. Glue holds the marriage together. I like to use the imagery of thin pieces of wood. Neither one is that strong alone. But, when you glue layers of wood together, using at least three pieces, you get strong plywood that holds great strength. Have you ever tried to separate plywood? Occasionally you will find a piece of plywood that has soaked in water over a great period of time and the pieces have managed to come apart without splintering, but usually you end up with a splintered mess with neither piece left intact. Even when separated by soaking, the wood ends up warped and no longer good for much of anything. Once things are cleaved together it is forever. The only way to get them apart is by causing permanent damage to each piece involved. With G-d being the third piece of wood in the making of a marriage, the symbolism speaks for itself. Even G-d is torn when you separate what He has joined together. See Malachi 2:14 Romans: 2-3 and Matt 19:8-10. |
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Plywood is hard to separate without doing damage to all the layers |
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Another definition of Daw-bak is to catch by pursuit. That’s right, the man is to continue to pursue his wife even after they are married. Don’t stop romancing her. Don’t stop pursuing her now that she is caught. In matters of the heart the pursuit must continue each and every day. Don’t wear your ragged clothes that you would never be seen in public as if she doesn’t matter. Seek to be attractive to her in appearance and stature. The man must make the very focus of his life his spouse. Only then has he fully taken the command to cleave to her to heart.
Leave and cleave also takes place in our relationship with G-d. Deut 13:4 states “Ye shall walk after the L-RD your G-d, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.” (KJV)
Cleaving means sticking in there when things get rough, talking things out, praying things through, being patient, asking forgiveness, and seeking G-d’s counsel regularly. |
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No part of the body can say it doesn’t need the other parts. |
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Now why do I focus on this duty being that of the man? Woman derives a lot of her self worth from the love of her husband, and feels the tranquility of the security of a stable home that her husband puts foremost in his life. I am yet to find an unhappy woman who says her husband is focused on her desires and her safety. This is a major part of what a woman wants in life.
Does a man desire the same? Maybe to some degree, but what I find most men desire more than this is respect. A man wants to know he is respected by his wife as head of the household. And respect is earned by looking out for others and working with them. If a man focuses on loving, cleaving to his wife as stated above; if he is focusing his very being on cleaving to her and making her pleasure, safety, and well being the center of his life he does not have to worry about her submitting herself to her husband and showing him the respect he craves.
Leave, Cleave, and Be One even as a piece of plywood. Maybe the mystery of marriage isn’t so hard after all. |